The One Who Got Away

That fuckin’ whore”, Darrel pointed at the wooden wall, bouncing his forefinger up and down with a certain confidence. “Is right there.”

He smiled at Billy with the reassurance that only 12 years on the job can bring. At this moment, everything about him screamed vengeance from a long-time struggle.

 His sandy blond hair was unkempt, with a part down the middle that made him look like a villain. His lips were pursed like a duck, bouncing up and down with each nod. And his blue eyes looked as if they had X-ray vision, seeing right through the wall locked in on his target.

How in the hell do you know that raccoon is a whore?” Billy interjected with a stupidly curious look on his face.

Shut the fuck up and grab my hammer, this time, we’re getting her for good.”

You said that last year.”

Darrel grabbed his belt, adjusted his pants, and rotated his shoulders back and forth. He continued to eye up the wall, making measurements on how he would hit the wall, reach in and grab the cause of his heartburn ten years running. This raccoon-whore was something like a nemesis that always had superman’s kryptonite.

Darrel snagged the hammer out of Billy’s hands when he heard the distinctive rustle and CHITTER, CHITTER of a raccoon ready to be caught moving across the room.

Damnit, she’s moving quick.”

How do you know it’s a lady?”

Darrel shook his head.

Amateur… get ready to grab the cage.”

Darrel leaned back and swung forward. BAM! The green-plastered wall splintered, sending cracks in four directions like X marked the spot. It carried a loud thud that sounded sickening and echoed in the air. And when he pulled the hammer back, it hit him. He done fucked up.

Little green pieces of wall began to fall off at the side as a wet, dark green blob grew progressively. Then, long white water streaks jetted through the wall, shooting out like a garden hose on high.

Darrel flung back from the wall, his blue work shirt getting progressively soaked as he stuck his hands forward, attempting to block the water. In the struggle, he didn’t notice his work ID fall off in the fray.

Ahhhhh FUCK!”

Darrel screamed.

Go shut off the water!”

That damn thang is slipperier than Houdini.”

Shut the fuck up!”

Darrell and Billy ran out of the room.

The raccoon emerged from the wall, unscathed, and ran across the ground when it noticed the light catching the plastic of Darrel’s dripping ID. 

Fascinated, the raccoon whore grabbed the ID and retreated into the hole, the winner of a new prize, leaving Darrell to explain two stories.

One on how he caused 10,000 in water damage. The other on how he lost his ID, presumably to a raccoon, leaving HR to wonder the age-old question. “What the Hell is the maintenance department doing?

Please like comment and share. Do you have any funny stories about your maintenance department? Really, I’m in the process of writing a fiction book so I’m just making random stories up to get practice.

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