Thereβs only so much crap a person can pack into the back of a U-Haul, and Omar Watson is officially past the limit. Before him, boxes and boxes of memories are stacked to the ceiling, like a cheap cardboard city, threatening to topple down faster than his engagement to Monica. She dumped him about a month ago, and despite many bottles of liquor, many mouthfuls of joints, and many reassurances from friends, nothing feels right, and Omar is pretty sure nothing ever will again.
Omar grits his teeth and wipes his brow, taking one last look at what his consumerism is reduced to. How 30 years of life can be shoved away in boxes as if he is putting toys away in a daycare bin.Β What a cosmic joke. Then he reaches up and yanks the door down, revealing the Two Idiots and a Truck logo, taps the back of the truck, and sends his two idiots off with a half-hearted wave.
βSee you in California,β Omar mutters before adding, βDonβt break my shit.β
The moving truck lurches forward, kicking up gravel that, for some reason, kicks up memories. His breakup with his fiancΓ©e, Monica, flashes in his mindβs eye, sharp and unwelcome, like pigeon shit splattering on an unsuspecting bald head.
βI canβt keep fixing you,β Monica says with tears running down her face as she turns away. ββ¦How can I expect you to love me when you canβt even love yourself?β
And to Omar, thatβs what hurts the most. Sheβs right, of courseβMonica is always right. He canβt love anyone because he canβt love himself. And you can hardly live life without love; itβs too long. Itβs too treacherous. And frankly, itβs too damn lonely.
Omar shakes the memory off and jams his hand into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled plane ticket and stares at it intently. Only a few more days, and he will officially leave Ohio behind and start his new life. Thereβs nothing left for him anymore. His motherβs dead. His fatherβs a deadbeat, and all his friends have settled down and forgotten all the memories they shared. So itβs off to the land where dreams come true, to get a fresh start where nobody knows his name. The kind of fresh start Omar needed, perhaps more than ever.
A cool breeze picks up, blowing leaves across the parking lot as Omar reaches behind his ear, produces a joint, lights it, and inhales long and slow, taking in the earthy, green taste. After craning his head to get one last look at the movers pulling out of the apartment complex, he begins the slow walk to his empty apartment.
βCaliforniaβs gonna be different,β Omar mutters, convincing no one, least of all himself. βIβll make sure of it,β he adds.
Suddenly, Omar hears the faint rattle of a car rolling to a stop, and slows his steps.
βMan, you better tell that truck to turn aroundβthey forgot to put my shit in there,β says The Voice defiantly.
The joint falls from Omarβs hand as he freezes. The voice is gravelly, familiar in a way, like a song you havenβt heard in years getting stuck in your head. He turns around slowly, his heart quickening, his face folding onto itself, and then he sees him. Jasperβhis fatherβsitting in his beat-up grey Honda Civic, wearing a too-excited smile, with a beat-up suitcase in one hand, and a can of Coke in the other.
Omarβs stomach drops. βFuck me,β he mutters before running a hand through his hair. Β Jasper just smiles in a way thatβs waiting for a response. Omar shakes his head.
βWhatβ¦ what are you doing here? Howβ¦ how did you know where I live?β Omarβs words come out harsher than he means, but who could blame him? Itβs not every day your estranged father shows up on moving day like itβs some kind of family reunion.
Jasper lets out a genuine laugh he hopes will disarm. βShit, man, you really think your father wouldnβt know where his son lives?β
Omar clenches his fist and looks off towards the grass as if it has answers.
βItβs news to me,β says Omar, finally getting a hold of his nerve.
Jasper scratches his chin and shrugs half-heartedly as if crashing his sonβs life is no big deal. βHeard through the grapevine about you and Monica. Figured you might need some company on the drive out west.β
Omarβs eyebrows shoot up. βDrive?β
Jasper nods toward his Civic. βYeah, man. Iβm thinking we hit the road together. Itβll be fun.β
Omarβs eyes temporarily bug out of his head.
βFun? Youβve got to be kidding me,β Omar says, taking a few steps forward, the panic of βtogetherβ tightening his chest.
Jasper raises an eyebrow, tapping his suitcase like heβs about to sell Omar an insurance policy. βDoes it look like Iβm joking?β
Omarβs mouth is ajar. Everything in the past month has been full of unfortunate surprises, but this one feels the most cruel.
βIβm moving across the country, Dad. You canβt justβ Iβ¦ I have a plane ticket.β
Jasper waves Omarβs objection away like itβs nothing. βItβs just money. Iβll pay for it. Forget the flightβhop in the car, and weβll drive. Come on, man, who doesnβt love a road trip? Itβs American as apple pie.β
Omar blinks, staring at his crumpled ticket as if it might hold some answers. βSeriously, whyβ¦ why are you here? We havenβt talked in years.β
Jasperβs grin falters for the briefest moment, his eyes softening. βYouβre smart; thereβs your answer. We havenβt spoken for years, and Iβm fixinβ to change that,β Jasper says, now standing outside the car, opening the passenger door expectantly.
Omar canβt believe this shit. Honestly, it feels like a dream. Not a good dream, where everything you want can and does happen, but one you canβt wake up from. And based on the sick feeling pouring up from his gut, unfortunately, heβs wide awake.
βSo, what do you say? Come on, man, itβs not like you have any shit here,β Jasper says. βI just watched it roll away.β
Omar looks down at the ground, his eyes fixating on a large stone, and wonders if he dropped it high enough onto his head, maybe it would kill him. Then he looks up and studies Jasper, his eyes teetering on the line between determination and pleading. There is something about the way he stands there, looking thinner and olderβlike a faded version of the man Omar once knewβthat makes it clear something is off. And for some reason, heβs still holding his suitcase tight against his body as if it contains his life savings. Omar sighs, long and heavy, weighing his options while his mind spins out of control.
βWellβ¦ what do you say?β Jasper repeats.
Omar wants to say no. He wants to laugh in his fatherβs face, slam the door shut, and walk away without a second glance, like Jasper did to him all those years ago. But something in him stops thatβsomething weak, maybe. Or maybe itβs the hopelessness that comes from everything else already being lost. Maybe, in a fucked-up way, a road trip with the man who walked out on him is better than sitting on a plane for five hours alone with his thoughts. Misery does love company, after all. Omar blinks some more.
βBut what are you really doing here?β Omar asks, his now voice low, almost pleading. βIβ¦ I want the truth.β
Jasperβs grin returns, but thereβs something different now. Something off. Something almost sad.
βTo be honest with you, Iβve got some news I need to share with you, and itβs the kind of news you gotta tell someone in person,β Jasper says, tapping the suitcase again. βSo, what do you say? Weβll be in California by the time your movers arrive, and if youβd like, after this, youβll never have to see me again.β
Omar feels his heart race as he studies Jasper once more. He notices the lines on his fatherβs face, the thinness in his frame, and the suitcase he holds too closeβlike it contains more than just clothes. He canβt quite place it, but something is definitely wrong. Β Omar squeezes his fist and takes one look at his apartment. Β He had already checked out, and his plan was just to lay low before his plane, maybe rent a hotel, but thisβ¦ this was something new. Something unexpected. Then, with the release of his fist, he relents.
βFine,β Omar mutters, then points a finger at his father. βBut Iβm not doing this for you.β Omar pauses. βAnd we canβt be late; otherwise, I might lose my job.β
Jasper chuckles, relieved. βThatβs alright, I donβt need you to do it for me, and weβll be on time β Hell, early even. You know I drive fast.β
With one last sigh, Omar grabs the last of his things, slinging a backpack over his shoulder, and heads toward his fatherβs car. He hesitates for a moment before yanking open the passenger door and throwing his bag in the backseat. Then he slumps into the passenger seat and attempts the impossible, getting comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, while his mind spins out of control.
Jasper hops in the driverβs seat, cracks open the Coke can with a satisfying hiss, and takes a long sip before tossing the can onto the back floor. He strums the steering wheel, content, then turns to Omar.
βAlright, letβs get this show on the road, huh? West Coast, here we come,β says Jasper.
Omar just stares out the window, unsure if this is the start of something new or just another mistake in a long list of them. Jasper then turns the ignition and the car roars to life with a sputter. The wheels crunch over the gravel as they pull away, and the apartment complex shrinks in the rearview mirror. Omar watches it grow smaller and smaller, disappearing behind them, just like everything else in his life.
Omar now sits with his arms and legs crossed, making him appear like a human βXβ while his forehead rests on the passenger side window, seeing the Ohio countryside blow by in a constant blur. Β His eyes were dark, sleepless circles, and the unspoken tension of it all made his head feel like a basketball in the hands of a highly skilled dribbler. He is busy doing what he does bestβtuning his father outβand deeply regretting letting him talk his way onto this trip. Β But no matter what he does, he canβt help but wonder what the news is that Jasper wants toβ¦ needs to share.
Every few miles, Jasper looks like he is about to say something, but then he just stares out the window instead, leaving Omar alone with his thoughts and the dull roar of the highway. More than anything, Jasper wants to confess to Omar. To tell him why he joined the trip in the first place. To apologize for their rather inglorious breakup. To share his secret that he knows will change everything, especially his sonβs life.
But how can he share a secret so large when his son can barely acknowledge his existence? How can he share news so bad that it will make his son feel anything but good? Often, the past has ropes that keep you bound, and Jasper is caught struggling against its snare. He is surprised Omar hasnβt commented on his decline, his shriveled appearance, his premature aging. Soon, he will have to tell him, but now, heβll need to win his trust. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Jasper clears his throat.
βThanks, Omar.β
Omar doesnβt even look up. βFor what?β
βFor letting me come on this trip. Itβ¦ it means a lot.β
Omar shrugs, not bothering to hide his irritation. βYeah. No problem.β
Jasper rolls down the window, letting the awkward tension blow out with the breeze.
βSoβ¦ why California?β
Omar sighs. βNew job.β
Jasper, clearly trying to break the silence, presses on. βDoingβ¦?β
βDad!β Omar snaps, sitting up straighter in his seat. βJust drop it, okay? You said you had something to tell meβso tell me. What is it?β
Jasper shoots back in his seat and eyes down his suitcase. βYeahβ¦ Iβm just waiting for the right time.β
Omar shakes his head. βWhen the hell is that gonna be? Because time with you is a funny thing. It took you long enough to show your face.β
Jasper sighs and crunches over like he took a punch to the gut. βIβm sorry about that. Really, I am.β
Omar huffs and looks out the window. Jasper clenches the steering wheel. βLook, when we grab lunch, Iβll tell you there, okay? Iβm just waiting for the right moment. Food might help.β
Omar grimaces, panic mixing with impatience blooming in his chest. βWhen do you want to stop?β
Jasper looks at the gas gauge and notices the needle, a hairβs length from E, looking like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
βSoon.β
βOkayβ¦β says Omar in a long, annoyed sigh.
Jasper grits his teeth while his eyes dart back to the road when he notices a blue sign that must have come down from the heavens above:
BP Gas Station 2 miles
βAbout damn time,β Jasper mutters, βAlright, kid, weβre getting off here soonβ¦ real soon. I just gotta get past theseβoh, what the fuck.β
A truck merges into the passing lane ahead of them, pacing the truck in the slow lane. To their right, a black Audi pulls alongside them, driven by a lady glued to her phone, while two more trucks pull up behind, officially boxing them in. Jasper sucks his lip, silently cursing the entire trucking industry, and compares their trucks to dinosaurs, wishing theyβd go extinct. He steals a glance at the gas gauge againβitβs deep in the red. His pulse quickens, and he slaps Omarβs arm.
βGet her attention. Sheβs gotta let us overβ¦ we canβt miss this exit,β Jasper says, jabbing his finger toward the woman.
Omar doesnβt move. Instead, he stares down at a photo of his fiancΓ©e, Monica, wishing he was the new guy in her latest picture.
βCome on, man! You ainβt gonna make the move without gas,β Jasper snaps, his eyes flicking between the mirror and the road ahead. βWeβre boxed in.β
Omar lets out a long, annoyed sigh and looks up at the lady. Big, black sunglasses cover much of her face, making her look like a fly. Her head is tilted down, and she stares at her phone while driving 70 miles per hour, somehow managing to keep her car between the lines.
βSheβs texting, and you canβt pass her? Have you tried using your blinker?β Omar deadpans, years of repressed sass creeping into his voice.
Jasper squeezes the steering wheel as if he could wring out some extra patience. βOf course I did! What do you think, I canβt drive?β He waves his hand frantically at the dashboard. βSheβs not letting me over!β
His eyes dart to the gas gauge again, and he mutters under his breath before glancing over at the woman. βMove the hell outta the way!β he shouts, hammering the horn.
Omar brings his hands to his ears and scowls. βShe canβt hear you, you know.β
βIt ainβt from a lack of trying!β Jasper erupts and wipes the sweat from his head. βShe kind of reminds me of you.β
Omar pretends not to hear that and returns to his phone, knowing his father is right. About a thousand yards out, the exit ramp appears like an oasis in the desert with all the allure of freedom. Tasting salvation, Jasper taps the accelerator and takes a deep gulp as his eyes focus on his exit. It was time to pull a fast one on this bitch. He presses his heel down till his foot feels the floor, and the car zooms forward, sending the men back into their seats with a whoosh.
But no progress is made.
Despite staring at her phone, the lady finds a way to block his exit and match his speed. No matter what he does, he cannot shake her; she is glued to his side like a logo on a shoe. And as Jasperβs last morsel of patience burns out, thatβs when it all happens. Jasperβs nostrils flare: he slams down the automatic window button, shoves his son back into the seat, reaches out the window, and gives the lady the bird.
βMove the fuck over!β he shouts.
It is as American as Johnny Appleseed, holding a firework while riding a bald eagle. Jasper holds the middle finger triumphantly, ignoring the road and focusing on the lady, hoping she will get the message. But when she finally cranes her neck and sees the middle finger, she does the most inconceivable thing. She smiles and waves, which has the effect of short-circuiting Jasper. His jaw drops, his face twists, and he looks as if he has just seen a ghost, temporarily frozen with disbelief. Unfortunately, for Jasper and Omar, something directly ahead of them is much more menacing.
βWatch out!β Omar screams, throwing his hands over his face. Standing smack dab in the middle of the road is a 10-point buck delivered from Karma herself.
Jasper, still staring at the lady, doesnβt see it coming. And he doesnβt have to; his other senses do the heavy lifting.
WHAM!
He feels the impact of hitting the buck at 70 miles per hour, which sends shockwaves straight to his seat.
He hears the shattering glass cry out with sudden, deafening force.
He smells the blood spraying across the windshield, mixing with the cool rush of outdoor air that slices through the open window.
When he looks up, Jasper sees the world has flipped upside down as the car rolls over and over until it finally crashes into a ditch with a bone-rattling thud.
As the dust settles and the shock sinks in, Omar turns his head, his body aching from the crash. He takes one long, hard look at his father, feeling the old hatred bubble up stronger than ever before.
I NEED YOUR HELP! Sorry for repeatedly posting my opening chapter, I’m just trying to get it right. This is a new angle I’m experimenting with. If you like it, I’d love to know. Thank you for all of your help, I appreciate all of you more than you know!


I especially appreciate the sequence of the action, both small actions and large. I also appreciate the dialogue. Both the dialogue and action are visceral. They move us along effectively. The reader is engaged. We want to know what happens next.
Thank you so much!!
Iβm so glad I opened this email and read this story. Powerful. I wasnβt even thinking of it as an opening chapter but I can say it grabbed me and kept me reading, fast, heart thumping and emotions engaged.
So happy you enjoyed this was wonderful reading this comment
Yes!!
I’m hooked.
Thanks so much Ernie!
I don’t remember previous first chapter but this one has a hook–makes me want to know what happens next
So happy to hear thank you so much for reading
I’m waiting eagerly for the next instalment. I agree with others about the hook, there are so many questions I want answered and you’ve left me hanging … great work
Music to my ears, thank you so much!!
My pleasure
No itβs mine! Haha
I was hooked from the first paragraph and didnβt realize it was the previous version where Omar didnβt know the power of the bird, or something like that. Superior intro, very well written, great dialog, a paucity of adjectives. Great job π π
Thank you so much my friend! Iβm thinking this is the new version I start to query – your feedback helps so much
Wow!! Anthony, this is so good!! Especially the ending. The entire scene had my heart racing. I love the new twist. Very detailed. I appreciate you adding more details about the breakup and Jasper showing up out of the blue. Even adding Jasperβs thoughts about Omar not noticing his decline in health. Love it!!
Thanks so much Shaun!! Yeah – just been trying to find the right balance, I feel like this is a better setup and all your feedback helps so much. I appreciate you!
Youβre welcome! Iβm enjoying the story.βΊοΈ
That is so much improvement there and I was instantly hooked.
Only thing I have to give feedback — I felt Jasper’s thoughts on Omar noticing his body paragraph should be taken out. I think it’ll draw the readers in more and keep readers guessing.
Thanks so much Amanda! Really appreciate your feedback, Iβll take a look at that
I like it. Iβve loved reading the ongoing chaos of this road trip.
Thanks so much Iris! I appreciate you
I really need to know what’s in that suitcase! Great opening!
Thank you so so much!
Nice post πΊπΊ
Thank you!
Okay, so am I wrong for now wanting to know more about Monica and more examples as to why Omar doesn’t love himself?! It’s like you’ve introduced this new twist, and I want to know more about her later, too. But I’ll echo what most are saying, I love this, and I’m eager to see what will be next!
I can feel the tension building a lot better between Jasper and Omar. It really feels like Omar is just so spent with his father and he wants to be rid of him ASAP.
No this is music to my ears! Thanks for all your feedback – it just goes to show writing is more or less rewriting – in finally happy with this start to
I enjoyed reading every piece of it
Last paragraph, first sentence: Look at that sexy absolute phrase!!!! Excellent!
Ahh this made my day thank you
I loved this post! It kept me glued and the dialogues are very well written. I am extremely intrigued now to see what will come next!
The timing of this sentence –
“Misery does love company, after all.Β “- is just top tier ππ»β¨
Thank you so much -best thing I read all morning
I am glad π
Good story.
Gwen.
Thank you so so much!
Entertaining story though too lengthy for my taste of short writes. Well done on the whole π
Thank you so so much!
The pleasure is mine!
Great writing Omar!
Thanks so much!
Your writing escalates to a natural point of intensity, it’s almost effortless.
I canβt tell you enough how happy your comment made me. Thank you!
I’m so glad:)