You knew they were coming.
For 34 years, they came on the same day.
It was like clockwork.
Three guys, two swinging off the back of the garbage truck, all of them wanting nothing more than to steal your damn trash. To you, they were the:
- Generals of garbage.
- Dukes of the dumpster.
- Titans of trash.
Riding around, all-too excited to feed their hungry truck.
But on this Tuesday, THIS TUESDAY you missed them, and now you hate yourself.
As you should.
The whole morning was as wasteful as the trash itself.
A loud shriek from the brakes woke you from your slumber causing you to sit up and wonder: What asshole is driving too fast?
You knew it was only a matter of time before a kid ran outside, and without speed bumps, your road was an accident waiting to happen.
But when you hear that puff of exhaust, you know this isn’t from any car – this is from them…the garbage truck, two houses down, and your trash isn’t resting on the curb.
“Oh f*ck.”
Electricity surges through your body as you leap out of bed, racing against a relentless clock.
“My pants! My pants!” you yell, rummaging through the laundry pile you swore you’d fold yesterday. “Where are my f—ing pants?!”
No time for socks. No time for shirts. No time for dignity.
Just pants.
If you don’t want to be the idiot who missed trash day, your ass needs to be moving… now!
You sprint for the stairs but forget about the phone charger lying in wait like a Vietnam booby trap. You trip, arms flailing, and put a new hole in the damn wall.
The crash sends the cats scattering and draws the irritation of your partner, who is now also awake and blaming you for it.
You mutter every curse word you know—and maybe even invent a few more—as you tumble down the stairs, with the jolly green giant just a house away.
It’s game time now.
You grab the last trash bag in the kitchen, and with the grace of a plumber on ice skates, you knock the door off its hinges, and race outside.
But when you turn the corner, and see the garbage truck rolling past your house, you know one thing:
You’re fucked.
“Wait! Wait! It’s here!… I’m here!” You cry.
You’re like a survivor stranded on an island, watching a rescue boat float away.
Every ounce of you is screaming, yet no one is hearing you.
Except your neighbors, who are wondering why a shoeless, shirtless guy is yelling loud enough to wake the dead.
But the truck keeps on rolling. It has a schedule to keep and an engine that apparently doesn’t do reverse.
So you stand there, shirtless, sockless, holding a trash bag like some kind of homeless raccoon, waiting for a handout.
As reality sets in, you realize one thing: you’re the idiot who missed trash day.
You turn back to the house and see your cat standing in the window.
You make eye contact.
He turns away, too ashamed to look at you.
You understand—you’re ashamed too.
Dragging your trash can back to the house, you wonder: Where the hell am I going to put all this extra trash?
And then it hits you—
You’re locked out of your damn house.
Who’s the garbage now?
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. Has this happened to you?
Never miss a blog post:
Oh, that sounds both hilarious and so sad 😂. I feel you. I hope you’ll survive a week with too much trash.
Thanks so much! We’ll need it
Some days are like that. Then there is racing to the airport to theoretically catch a plane—with red lights, long lines, and disinterested people in front of you because they have their own pile of woes to deal with and you are one more thing they do not want to have to deal with.
Oh the airport rush is the worse
Oh, I had to laugh at this post! How many bloody times have I done that dance? Too many times !
It’s the never ending dance!
too true…
Funny stuff! 😁
Thank you so much, I appreciate you reading
Welcome!
The cat hiding his head “too ashamed to look at you.” Oh, that is low, so very low. But yes, I’ve been there, done that. Too many times to count. If nothing else, it gives my wife a good laugh at my expense.
It’s low even for a cat – haha – thank you so much for reading
A wonderful wake up written with humor and style. It is funny and relatable. You hit a homerun with this one Anthony.
Thank you so so much! I appreciate you as always!
Hilarious! Oh how I relate!
“No time for socks. No time for shirts. No time for dignity.
Just pants.” 😂 – If you’re a male. Whole new level of no time for dignity if a gal did this 😅
Your post reminded me of my son, who heard the garbage truck down the street, ran outside, tripped on the stairs and broke his foot. He needed two surgeries.
Oh, that was funny to I read the last line. Hope he’s better now and is also better at catching the garbage truck
Yes, he’s healed now. Glad you enjoyed his story!
That was so funny and realistic. I hope you get up early enough to trash your trash so that you no longer remain the trash 😂
Even the cat is ashamed of you. Love it!😄
Hahah yeah you know those judgmental cats
those are the worst days of all! especially when you’ve got stuff already piling up in the kitchen and fridge. Mike
Oh man I hate cleaning out the fridge – least favorite part of grocery shopping
I’m still laughing. Excellent writing. 🙂
Thank you so so much!! I appreciate you
Oh my! I loved this. And I needed a good laugh today!
So happy to provide!
Congrats to you if this was the first time in 34yrs! Thanks for making me smile 😊
Hahah I’ll try to go 34 more!
Thanks for the morning laugh. We’ve ALL been there!!
So happy you enjoyed! Nothing quite like missing it
Oh no🙈
I feel you! Set up a calendar reminder for next Tuesday’s trash pick up.
Excellent. I once put the rubbish out in the front. The front door slammed shut and I was locked out without my keys, phone or wallet. Terrifying!
Not a fun feeling Forsure
Although friends helped me get back in
*Whispers* I don’t have that problem. I’ve been spoiled by apartment living. 😆😩🤣
Here’s hoping you won’t miss anymore trash days! 🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾
Hilarious. The noise of the hydraulics let you know you’re screwed. And you never make it in time. And the neighbors always know exactly what happened.
Hahah yeah they do!
loved it!
Thank you so so much