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The 6 Types of People You’ll Always See at a Gas Station

1. The Guy Smoking a Cigarette

Just when you thought all the stupid people were home watching daytime TV, one of these morons escapes and ends up at your gas station. Smoking a cigarette while pumping gas, of course.

He’s not worried, this man. Not about signs, science, social norms, or safety. He stands there, cigarette dangling from his lip like some middle-aged rebel in a bad cologne ad.

You want to say something, but what would it be? “Excuse me, sir, I’m trying not to explode today”?

It’ll likely make him puff harder.

Instead, you inch your car forward ever so slightly, thinking maybe if you die here, they’ll name a pump after you. Pump 4: In Memory of the Man Who Regretted The Entire Experience.

2. The Bathroom Door Banger
There’s a special kind of pressure that comes with using a public restroom, especially one that requires a key attached to a plastic paddle the size of a canoe.

But what really elevates the experience is the frantic knock from someone who has apparently just discovered they have a bladder and realized they mismanaged it.

“I’ll be right out,” you shout, though you have no idea how long it will actually take. You consider staying longer out of spite, but then you remember you’re in a gas station bathroom. You can’t get out quick enough.`

3. The Person Buying Fifty Lotto Tickets
This is less a transaction and more of a relationship.

They approach the cashier like a returning soldier—worn, hopeful, and very, very sweaty.

Their requests are specific. “I want four of the blue ones, two of the golds, and the one with the pig in sunglasses.” And their eyes are hurried, scanning all the options, trying to find the cash beneath the scratch.

You stand behind them, holding your breath and your Slim Jim, wondering if this is what it feels like to be truly invisible.

But then something shifts. You start rooting for them. Because maybe if they win, you will too—vicariously, of course. In the way one finds joy when their neighbor wins free cable.

4. The Aisle Shadow
You don’t know him. He doesn’t know you. And yet, here he is. In every aisle you go. Standing, lingering, blocking.

He’s not shopping so much as existing, and doing it in a very precise six inches of space—directly in front of the one item you need.

You say, “Excuse me,” and he steps two inches to the left, just enough to demonstrate awareness but not enough to be helpful.

You do a sort of awkward side shuffle, retrieve your peanut M&Ms, and vow to never leave your house again.

5. The Loud Talker
He’s on the phone. Or with a friend. Or possibly just talking to himself.

Who the hell knows? 

Either way, he’s very invested in telling the entire store about his ex-wife, his thoughts on cryptocurrency, or the time he saw a raccoon fight a cat.

You try to zone out, staring into the freezer case as if you might find salvation between the Drumsticks and the frozen burritos.

But he finds you. They always do. “You know what I’m saying?” he asks, not rhetorically. You nod, because it’s safer than disagreement.

6. The Slow Cashier
He moves like a man in a dream.  Slow, intentional, fading.

You hand him your debit card, and he examines it like it’s the first one he’s ever seen.

He may or may not be high. You’re not judging. You’re just calculating how long before you begin to age visibly.

Still, there’s something soothing about him. He doesn’t rush. He isn’t anxious. He exists entirely in the present moment—something your therapist says is good for you.

Eventually, you get your receipt. He says, “Have a good one,” and you believe, for a moment, that maybe you might.

Please like comment, share and tell me what you think! Happy Memorial Day! 

 

46 thoughts on “The 6 Types of People You’ll Always See at a Gas Station”

  4. Nice article. It is as if you’re using magnifying lenses so as to focus on various aspects of the characters. Also, nice situational tension. I just read it with my family and we laughed a couple of times. Thanks!

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  5. Good summary. You left out Bulah who doesn’t believe in undergarments, clothes that fit, washing any of the above or the fact that world neither knows or cares about the crackwhore her father/husband/brother/boyfriend is involved with.

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  7. Great stuff, hilarious! The loud talker is at every location you don’t want to be at; DMV, post office, and definitely the gas station

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  10. Seen them all, plus the special one we had until recently at our local petrol station. The little old lady/man who lives close and does all their shopping there. You and several others want petrol and nothing else. It should be simple, it should be quick. Instead you’re queuing while this person takes forever unloading, paying for and loading into carrier bags the contents of the huge basket of groceries they’ve gathered. They’re having a chat to the cashier as they go, querying the price of several items and then making a long job of finding the exact cash in their purse/wallet. What should have been a splash n dash turns into a half-hour ritual of endurance. I’ve wished many times that they’d make a ‘fuel only’ window so I and the others could be in and out fast. They did solve the problem, but not like that. Instead they closed it down, so now we have to go fifteen minutes in the wrong direction for fuel. If there’s any positive spin I can put upon it it’s that Mavis/Fred now has to go into town to get their shopping. Thanks for the memories, Tony. 🙂 🙂

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  15. I hate when lotto players try and scratch their tickets at the counter. Like “buddy, take it somewhere else.” Then when you finally get to check out, you got to shovel handfuls of silvery flakes out of your way.

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  19. This made me snort: “…or the time he saw a raccoon fight a cat.” Too funny. Thank goodness, these fellows do *not* hang out around my gas station. Phew! (Oh, except the door banger. Those people are everywhere.)

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  21. Once, there was a man behind me pumping gas while his truck was running. I did say something to him about it. He ignored me. So I went and told the attendant. He said something to the man also. The man ignored the attendant too. And yes, I’m one of those people. You know, people who are thinking about their own safety and the safety of others. 🙂

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  23. I always enjoy your gas station write ups! Loved the “lottery ticket” one. It’s so true. I was by a gas station the other day and there was a person, super friend with the gas clerk, buying TONS of lottery tickets. As you mentioned, they know exactly what they want, with the lottery card ones too. It’s a lot of money they invest, really. Thanks for the good chuckle! 😉

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  24. Pingback: The 6 Types of People You’ll Always See at a Gas Station – SIRGT

  28. I’ve worked at a few “convenience” stores. One thing they are not (anymore) is convenient. Not that you were addressing that issue but just thought I would mention it. What I find these days is cashiers who could care less if you buy anything. They look at you like they wish you would go away and not bother them.

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