Dear Grocery Stores,
Hey, how are you doing?
Great! & might I add, I love what you did with the café.
You know I never spoke to an inanimate object before (let alone wrote to one) but what the hell, I like it. It’s 2019, who gives a fuck.
Before I spill the beans, (and no, not yours 😉 ) let me say, I used to dig our weekly meetings. You provided me with food to keep me full and I provided you with money to keep Earl happy while he scrubbed those pesky aisles.
This trade we often made called life played it’s song and we danced in circles, intertwined, leaning on each other twirling to the familiar beat of the routine.
And then in a flash our song skipped a beat and from the darkness of appeasing modern PC culture, grocery store progressivism shattered the windows, raised its ugly head and gave birth to a passive baby called the “ish” lane.
Do you remember the express lane at grocery stores? The lane that used to be white-knuckle-firm, don’t break the rules, keep the people moving, model of consumer efficiency?
Then why in the fat-guy-sitting-in-a-hot-tub-fuck did you feel the need to unbuckle your belt and relax on the express lane.
Do you even know the people you’re trying to appease? The “Ish” customers… ugh, the people who feel warm and fuzzy when they can bring 20 items in a 12ish lane? You know, the people who take an express lane and turn it into a normal lane. Yeah, those colorful characters … is this who you want turning oxygen into carbon dioxide in your stores? Don’t you make enough money?
Those “ish” customer assholes are the worst people ever! They know what they’re doing, taking advantage of your relaxed policies knowing your pimple faced cashier won’t call them out.
These bullies and their selfish grocery-buying-habits bottleneck a perfect system forcing you to sit and marinate in the normal lane with the Helens, Franks, and Catherines of the world. You become a fly on their wall and believe me, you don’t want to be on their wall.
This is a crime, grocery stores, a true disservice! I forgave you when you coyly turned me into employee by forcing me check myself out, but this… this is an outrage. You need to stop selling pears and start growing a pair.
I used to feel like I had the master key when I went grocery shopping. You know, the key that unlocked all the secrets. I was a ninja. I would slip into the store, quickly pick up what I needed and laugh at the sheep clogging up the normal lane knowing that I would be in out in a breeze while these idiots had to wait.
Now I feel robbed. I feel like you used me, abused me and then spit on my face.
Now when I use the 12ish lane in an attempt to get my shopping done faster, I find myself, thumb-up-ass ignoring small talk, suppressing rage as I watch the normal lane moving quicker.
Just watch, pretty soon you grocery stores are going to hire some more passive cashiers and then a house wife feeding a family of six growing boys is going to show up in the 12 ish lane with a nuclear bomb two-cart-order completely backing up the system sending the store into chaos…every cashier’s worst nightmare.
Listen Buddy, you got us by the balls, we gotta by food! Please grow a back bone and put a limit on the express lane.
You outta be ashamed of yourself. Keep your politics in the parking lot.
I want some answers.
– Some guy who was mildly inconvenienced.
Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. This is obviously satire, i just want to make you laugh. I’ve been someone who has taken advantage of the 12 ish lane. Does the 12 ish lane bother you or is it just me. What grinds your gears while shopping? Be sure to let me know.