I’m Canceling Jack And The Beanstalk

Listen, people, we have a giant issue on our hands.

Jack and The Beanstalk may seem like a nursery rhyme to you, but it’s a nursery nightmare to college-educated giants like me.

Just because you don’t have 80 foot tall, 8-ton Giants running around your backyard doesn’t mean I don’t have them in mine!

So please, can we cancel Jack And The Beanstalk?

I’m serious. Giants are people too. Prominent people who should be treated with immense respect.

We need to stop spreading the tale of one giant’s death because we don’t live in a brutal society; we live in America.

Jack was a terrorist, a fly you couldn’t swat, who stole, swindled, and slaughtered. In fact, “Jack” is the reason why I lock my doors at night! Rest assured, I don’t need a Jack invading my bog!

What’s amusing about a small man — in mind and body- breaking into one’s home, robbing them blind, and cutting them down as they rightly pursued him?

If someone stole your treasure trove of gold, would you sit back and complain about the commercials? Or would you get your ass up and chase them?

I have it on no authority that many of us would chase.

Have you ever thought about the giant?

The giant died in this story.

Also, the “Giant” wasn’t a nameless figure; he was a gentle father his friends lovingly called Gunther The Bone Swallower.

Gunther had a wife, kids, and community that he carried on his giant shoulders. Now without him to bring home end’s meat, who’s going to feed his son little Ragon The Blood Drinker?

In case your privilege blinded you, Ragon is also a giant with a larger-than-life sized appetite. He relied on Gunther to provide for him and nurture him so he too could grow up and wildly pillage towns but sadly, he is a victim in this nightmare.

So next time you and that whore Mother Goose wants to tell a story, cancel this one because this giant is genuinely offended.

10 thoughts on “I’m Canceling Jack And The Beanstalk

  1. Very funny. I just read today about words being cancelled at a college campus. Rule of thumb, picnic and trigger warning were a few.

  2. FeFiFoFum. I smell the blood of an Englishman. So funny. Yet… I have often wondered what exactly is the intended message of this fairy tale. I mean, the giant’s kingdom is inaccessible except via magic beanstalk. Is this a tale of colonialization? Or what? It is a strange story.

  3. Sir Tony,
    I absolutely agree with you that someone trespassing on my land and calling me the criminal, whilst he makes off with my property and labeled a hero is appalling.
    However, may I submit to you the following?
    Yes, Madame Goose’s viewpoint may be biased. But isn’t that how most propaganda is written? May propose that perhaps defendant Mother Goose teaching history to the lesser educated about the ways the world became “civilized”? Maybe she’s exhalting on how her people found treasures as they explored strange new lands, and surprised that natives lived there, commenced with murdering, plundering and stealing from the so called “giants” to claim what they’ve discovered as their own?
    We now retell this tale from the opposing view, “This is my property! You Jacks better not think about planting any magic beans! I’m the victim here!” When our people were the first Jacks.

Leave a Reply