Please Feed My Cat By Following These Totally Easy, Totally Uncomplicated Instructions

Don’t worry — it’s easy

Thank you so much for feeding Mr. Sprinkles!

I know this is short notice, but I want to leave you with a list of short instructions to make feeding him a breeze.

  1. Find the cat. Mr. Sprinkles, although 14, is a child at heart who loves a good game of hide and go seek — particularly the hiding. First and foremost, you must find him among the wilds of a house you don’t live in. Get personal, uncomfortably personal with my space as I like to say, what’s mine is yours — until it’s mine. Please allow for 20 minutes, as Mr. Sprinkles is a servant of the shadows.

  2. Once you find him, tell him it’s feeding time in a very clear, non-threatening voice, like a substitute teacher trying to regain control of an unruly classroom. Back off and allow him to decide whether you’re worthy of feeding him, as he is, among other things, a good judge of character. All you need to do is stand there and hold your breath. Assuming you are worthy, he’ll quickly rub against you, signaling it’s time. If he doesn’t, you’ll pass out, and I will come home to one hell of a surprise.

  3. Assuming you made it, what I want you to do is grab the Everest-fairy-infused-ice labeled in my freezer and carry it over to his bowl, where you will find a bedazzled hair dryer. Hand-melt the ice into the bowl, but please be careful. Mr. Sprinkles may try to knock the hair dryer into the bowl once it starts to get full. (I told the vet about this, and he said don’t read into it too much. It’s just cats.)

  4. Step away from the bowl slowly and tiptoe back to the fridge while patting your head and rubbing your belly.

  5. Now while whistling the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song, I want you to look into the fridge and find the meow mix, the caviar, and three bottles of CBD. Gently pick them up and backward lunge to the bowl.

  6. It’s now officially dinner time in the cat kitchen. Mix one cup of the meow mix, three Tsps. of caviar, and a little bit of CBD, as we want Mr. Sprinkles to relax at dinner. When you’re done, ring the servant bell, labeled “servant bell,” and immediately get into a Yoga Child’s pose beside the bowl while Mr. Sprinkles eats.

  7. When he’s full, Mr. Sprinkles will wag his tail directly into your face to signal he is finished. And to suggest he wants you to kiss his ass.

  8. Don’t.

  9. Then what I want you to do, is turn off the lights and slowly crabwalk to the door, contorting your hands into little crab claws while cawing into the air.

  10. When you reach the door, offer penance to Mr. Sprinkles and exit slowly while chanting, “I’m sorry to disturb you, I’m sorry to disturb you.” But don’t just say it; feel it. He’ll know the difference.

  11. Close the door, jiggle the handle three times, and you have your life back.

  12. And that’s it! Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.

P.S. Do you mind picking me up from the airport?

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32 thoughts on “Please Feed My Cat By Following These Totally Easy, Totally Uncomplicated Instructions

  1. Cats! Love mine though he tries to murder me regularly. By trying to trip me up as I go to get his food

  2. Our resident feline… Lord Dudley Mountcatten…. chimed in over my shoulder to say these are perfectly reasonable instructions. He also inquired if Mr. Sprinkles would care to join him on spa day next week? This involves gentle brushing with optional belly rub, a full body massage on goose down pillows, unlimited catnip and a plate of foie gras to finish. R.S.V.P. through his devoted social secretary and can opener at the top of this comment.

  3. Our cat, Regulus Arturus Black, is quite polite when he wants to be fed in the MIDDLE of the night (despite the automatic feeder). First, a paw, then an extended claw, and then if ignored, a bite of the hair. But nothing is as elaborate as your cat’s feeding routine. Cute blog, Anthony. ~Nan

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