This Secret Phrase Gets You Out Of Any Social Obligation

It’s that time of the night.

Your wife shifts uncomfortably, trying to look at her watch without being too obvious. She glances up from her wrist to the car parked outside. Deep down, she knows what’s on the horizon lurking like a silent fart in a crowded elevator.

The ask to hang out longer. 

She turns to you, drowning in the pregnant pause, unspoken tension so thick you could serve it with a fork.

It’s 8 PM, and across the room your old friends Fred and Janice lean forward, optimism sparkling in their eyes.

So… why don’t you stay the night? Come on — it’ll be fun.

You smile a “get-out-of-jail-free” smile, knowing you’ve got the secret incantation that sends shivers down the spine of social obligations.

Well, we don’t want to impose.” You let it roll off your tongue like a nice, juicy loogie.

Across the room, Fred and Janice exchange a slight frown, the unspoken disappointment almost audible.

You haven’t seen them in months, but age is a bitter mistress whose mood changes like the tides. Home is comfortable. Your bed is warm, and weighing your friend’s hospitality to the comfort of routine is not balancing evenly. After a certain age, 4 hours of hanging out starts to feel more like 40.

Are you sure, man?” The query hangs in the air like smoke around a campfire.

You feign concern.

You know I want to… but we don’t want to impose.

There it is again.

Magic.

Your friend chuckles, dismissing it with a wave. “But you’re not imposing. Shoot, we already have the guest bed made!”

You brace yourself for the dance, where the prize is your freedom.

“No, we are — we just don’t want to overstay our welcome. We know you probably have things to do. Just really don’t want to impose.

Ah, checkmate. The move is executed with finesse, leaving Fred with nothing but a polite grin and a resigned nod. Meanwhile, Janice can’t help but let out a hesitant smile. She didn’t see the escape coming. Damnit.

Come on, we can play Yahtzee.” Fred offers.

The thought alone makes you consider all the possible ways you could kill yourself. Yahtzee? Have you become the kind of motherfucka that looks like he wants to play Yahtzee on free will?

You turn to your wife and wink without winking.

She’s hip to the word that gets you out of any situation.

Another time. We just don’t want to impose.” She adds.

Impose.

What an excuse.

Want to get out of spending the night sleeping on Fred and Janice’s hard-fuckin-futon?

We don’t want to impose.

Can’t stand spending another hour with your in-laws and their criticisms?

We don’t want to impose.

Want to find an excuse to go home and fart on the couch like good-ol-times?

We don’t want to impose.

The standoff ends as both parties cross the carpet sea in open arms.

You hug.

Hey man, you sure? It’s like a 2-hour drive home, right?” The hesitation is palpable, like the quiet before a storm.

You look over at your car and fake a frown.

“I know man… just don’t want to impose.”

Brilliant.

Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think. Have you tried this? Share with someone who would think this is funny.

 

 

34 thoughts on “This Secret Phrase Gets You Out Of Any Social Obligation

  1. OMG, I relived this with you. I’m trying to get my husband to sit down and listen…”it’s just like us!”…I practically sing the words. But he’s washing the dishes. I can’t complain. You know something? I call my sister “Joanie Bologna”. We all did but there aren’t so many of us left. I just love this! Thanks. ❤️😆😘

  2. The four hours feeling like 40 is so accurate.😂 There’s nothing like being at home with your things. The question is will they expect the same hospitality when they visit? My rule is, don’t offer anything you do not want to give, even if it’s the polite thing to do.😁

  3. My husband and I have an ever better, fail-safe answer. “Oh, we’d love to, but we have to get back for the dogs.” Even if we didn’t have dogs, I’d pretend that we did. So so happy to have found your blog; you’re hilarious!

  4. Haha, this post had me cracking up! 😂 This is the kind of social warfare we all need in our lives. Who knew “imposing” could be such a versatile escape hatch?

  5. Wow Anthony, this blog post is very fascinating. I have to say you can make a good story teller because as I was reading this, I can tell this is a made up story with characters and the way they react. Also, I like this phrase “SECRET INCANTATIONS THAT SENDS SHIVERS DOWN THE SPINE” , damn it is good🔥💯

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