“We heard about the McDonald’s situation… and, umm, we’re sorry.”

That was the opener.

That’s how a real human being— one who presumably pays rent and files taxes—began the most unnecessarily dramatic customer support call I’ve ever received in my life.

It was as horrifying as it was amazing, and I’m here to let you in on my mind-melt.

Let’s rewind.

It’s 9:45 PM and I’m feeling particularly hungry and lazy.

So I did what any particularly blessed, hungry, and lazy American does…

I order DoorDash.

Truth be told, my fiancée was out of town, so instead of doing the obvious thing—you know, walking into the kitchen like a functioning adult—I decided to reward myself for being alone. After all, it’s not often you get to order food just for yourself as an adult. Naturally, I chose McDonald’s—Chicken McNuggets meal. No regrets.

I usually play Rocket League tournaments with some friends around 10 PM, so I settle in for that.

Every so often, I glance at my phone. My Dasher is… just waiting at McDonald’s. It happens. Not a big deal.

Fifteen more minutes pass. Still waiting.

I think, okay, they’re about to pick up.

Fifteen more minutes pass. Still nothing. The embers of mild annoyance begin to flicker.

Fifteen more.

Now I’m negotiating with myself.

“You don’t need McDonald’s. You shouldn’t have it anyway.”

But then I snap out of it. I ordered the damn meal. I’m not backing down now.

And then, after another fifteen minutes, my food is still perpetually fifteen minutes away.

I sigh, frown, and decide to chalk it up to the universe telling me to eat healthy.

I cancel the order.

Seconds later, my phone rings. It’s an 800 number. I assume it’s some bastard with terrible timing trying to sell me car insurance. I’m mildly annoyed.

“Hey… is this Tony?”

“…Yeah?”

And then a solemn tone takes over. Like I’m getting a call from a funeral parlor.

“This is Sue from DoorDash… we uhhh… we heard about the McDonald’s situation.”

My mind explodes.

The McDonald’s Situation?

What? Did the McFlurry machine gain sentience?
Did the Hamburglar stop stealing burgers and start committing grand larceny?
Did Ronald McDonald snap and take hostages?

What situation, Sue? Lay it on me.

“…Okay…”

She cuts me off.

“We called the store, and apparently there was a rush. People coming from the Guardians and Cavaliers game. The staff’s behind. Cooks gone crazy.  We’re so sorry.”

She said it like my dog died.

I try not to laugh.

I just didn’t get my nuggets; it’s not like I canceled a wedding.  This did NOT warrant a support call.

Let alone a support call at 11 PM.

“…It’s totally fine, not a big deal,” I say.

“Well, to us it is. We refunded your money and added an extra ten dollars to your account.”

A smile creeps onto my face. I now have a “free” opportunity to waste money on something equally unhealthy and unnecessary.

“Oh, thanks so much.”

“Yes, yes… you’re one of our best customers, and we want to take care of you.”

I didn’t know whether to feel flattered or deeply ashamed.

“Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Not call me at 11 PM over McDonald’s, I think.

But I say, “…Ummm… no.”

“Well, I just wanted to let you know that…”

I glance at the TV. My team made it to the finals, which means this is, objectively, the worst possible time to field a call about sympathy for my gluttony.

I look back at the screen, then back at the phone.

“Hey… I really appreciate the phone call and how kind you’ve been, but this actually isn’t a great time for me to talk.”

“Oh! Should I call you back later?”

“That’s okay—thanks!”

“Well, have a great night, and thank you for choosing DoorDash.”

I hang up and shake my head.

What the hell just happened?

The more I think about it, the stranger it gets. A few immediate thoughts:

1. They pay someone to call lazy assholes like me who didn’t get their fries? May she be forever blessed.

2. I’m on some VIP list? This is the only time it feels like a curse.

3. Did I accidentally trigger some kind of emergency nugget protocol?

4. Wow. They really care. REALLY care.

5. “We heard about a situation”? You’re telling me the local McDonald’s was understaffed? That’s not a situation—that’s a Tuesday.

6. I don’t deserve Sue’s sympathy. No one deserves Sue’s sympathy.

7. They’re calling me at 11 PM. What happens when they call the 2AM crowd.

8. This is the greatest customer service of my entire life. I am a King.

All in all, it was a touching call.

And I still don’t know whether to feel flattered or ashamed.

Please like, comment, share, and tell me what you think. What do you make of this?

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