blue and white abstract painting
Uncategorized

Weird Things That Always Happen at the Doctor’s Office

The Whisper

It starts normal enough.

The eye doctor asks how you’ve been like you’re old friends.

And you nod and pretend you have a relationship with him. 

You don’t.

Then the lights go off.

The tiny flashlight comes on.

And the whispering begins.

“Look to the right,” he says.

A little softer now:

“Now left.”

Softer still—

“Now up.”

“Okay.”

Now you’re both suddenly speaking like you’re hiding from a ghost.

The room is silent.

His face is four inches from yours.

And still, no one explains why we’re whispering.

Small Talk at the Dentist

The room smells like latex gloves and minty anxiety.

And you’re reclined at a defenseless angle, mouth propped open like a broken mailbox.

The hygienist bursts in, all sunshine, like she just found 20 dollars in her pants.

She tells you about her garden.

Her husband’s new grill.

Her youngest kid’s violin recital.

Then she asks how you’re doing.

Right as she lowers a metal hook into your mouth.

You try to answer.

She nods.

“Totally. I hear you.”

She doesn’t.

But in this moment, you’re both pretending this is a real conversation.

And somehow, that makes it worse.

Don’t Blink

The eye drops go in.

They sting. Briefly.

Then your eyes feel like a pair of soft-boiled eggs floating in syrup.

Then comes the machine.

It rolls toward you like a slow, glowing threat.

The doctor positions your face into the metal frame like you’re being measured for a medieval torture mask.

“Okay,” he says, as a literal beam of light ignites your cornea.

“Try not to blink.”

The machine rolls closer while your eyelids twitch; the camera is a solid two inches from your eye.

Conservatively

“Yeah… try not to blink.”

“Okay… I guess.”

But you hold.

Because you’re a grown ass adult.

And this is the moment you prove it.

The Gown

It’s not a gown.

It’s a folded napkin with sleeves.

“Change into this,” they say.

“There’s a tie in the back.”

There isn’t.

There’s a suggestion of a tie.

You undress, slip into the gown, and start flailing around for the tie.

But no matter what you do, you can’t find it.

You start doing slow, panicked 360s—hoping if you arch your head just right, it’ll appear.

Then the door bursts open, and the nurse gets a full honeymoon view of your ass.

“Oops, sorry!” they chirp.

And you say, “It’s okay,”

because you don’t know what else to say.

The Waiting Game

You arrive early.

Like a fool.

They hand you a clipboard that asks you everything from your medical history to your childhood pets.

You fill it out.

You wait.

You watch The View with subtitles.

Then they call your name.

Not for the appointment.

For the scale.

They weigh you.

Like a pig.

In your shoes.

While holding your backpack.

Then they send you back to the waiting room—
and back to The View—
armed with the silent knowledge that you are six pounds heavier than you thought.

Please like, comment, share and tell me what you think! What am I missing?

Never miss a blog post and follow me here: Tonysbologna | Anthony Robert | Substack

60 thoughts on “Weird Things That Always Happen at the Doctor’s Office”

  1. LOL – yes, I am a pig. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to remove a cyst on my skull. Believe it or not, your piece both relieved and terrified me. Ha!

    Reply

      2. Dude read it, “I fell off killer” cracked me up- you have a good rythem for dialogue / o could picture everything in my head! Good job

      3. Killer is not laughable.She’s real as a mother-in-law. Jury trial pends where she bit a neighbor who borrowed her to string lights on a pine tree last Christmas.

  8. Hey Tony – As one who has been to WAY too many doctors over the past year, your post hit home. We have got to laugh because what is the alternative.

    My favorite is the 10 page questionnaire each doctor asks you to fill out before the appointment. It’s the same questions for each doctor. My doctors all happen to be part of the same hospital so you would think they have access to prior questionnaires.

    My new thing is that I refuse to fill out the questionnaire. When pushed, I just say, it’s the same answers I gave you last year so you can look them up. 🙂

    Nancy

    Reply

  9. Have to wonder if we took your post to the doc’s/dentist’s office they’d admit to the humor of it? I’m betting they would in spite of themselves. Great work, as per usual.

    Reply

  10. I dread every doctor’s appointment and the bills, too! You should do a funny post about the increasing cost of said doctors’ appointments! I gotta feeling you’d do it justice! 😂🤣😆

    Reply

  17. I – loved – every – single – word – of – your – stories !!!!!! You have phenomenal writing talent! I could feel the stress of these awkward situations while I was laughing. It’s a very fun read! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

    Reply

Leave a Reply