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Humor

Office Bathroom Turf Wars: Who Keeps Using My Bathroom?

It starts innocently enough.

You see a stranger stepping out of your bathroom, and your brain immediately hisses:


“Who the hell is that?”

Because this isn’t just any bathroom.


It’s the one on your floor.


The one you trust.


The one you flush.


The one where the seat is warm and the Wi-Fi actually works.

And now you’re sharing it with this new asshole.

The man is tall, vaguely confident, and gives off the vibe of someone who says “touch base” unironically.

You frown.


You assume he’s new.


You think, I’ll meet him later.

You won’t.

A few days pass.


You never see him at a desk.


He’s not in meetings.


And he’s not in the break room picking at the last few cheese balls.

He simply vanishes… until he reappears.


Once again, emerging from your bathroom.

Smug. Light-footed. Suspiciously relieved.


Like a fighter pilot dropping a bomb flying out of enemy territory.

But this time, you don’t let him get away.

You follow.


Casual. Normal. Just two coworkers walking in the same direction.

Only he walks past the cubicle maze and hits the stairs.

Up.

And that’s when it hits you:


He’s not one of you.


He’s from the third floor.


Coming down to quite literally shit on the second floor.

Metaphorically and physically. 

You feel something stir.


Not quite rage. Not quite jealousy.


Something ancient. Instinctual. Territorial.

You don’t remember the last time you stood up for something.


But today, you rise.

You gather your allies.


Or coworkers. Whatever they are.

“You see that guy?” you whisper. “He’s from three. And he’s using our bathroom.”

They blink.


One shrugs.


Another asks if they’re late for a meeting.

Then you drop the bomb.

“He’s going #2.”

And just like that, the troops mobilize.

Plans are sketched on sticky notes.


An ‘Out of Order’ sign? Too risky.


Clog the toilet? Too obvious.


Bathroom coverage shifts? Messy, but on the table.

Then, he returns.

Strides in like he owns the place.


Strides out like nothing happened.

He doesn’t even look like he had to go.


Maybe he didn’t.


Maybe it’s recreational now.

You intercept him.

“Hey,” you say—casual, but clearly unwell. “You’re on the third floor, right?”

“Yeah,” he says.

“So… why are you using our bathroom?”

Behind you, your coworkers have gathered.


Some pretending to work. Some just watching.


Everyone waiting.

He blinks.

“Oh. Our floor’s under renovation.”

And just like that, the war ends.

No victory. No closure.


Just a soft, anticlimactic oh.

You nod. Say something like, “Cool, makes sense,”


and regret you didn’t have a better response.

Then go back to your desk and think about it for the rest of the day.

Tomorrow, you’ll use their bathroom.


Even though it’s under construction.


Just to prove a point.

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40 thoughts on “Office Bathroom Turf Wars: Who Keeps Using My Bathroom?”

  8. Any and all ‘poop stories’ make me giggle like a six year old 😁 This excellent tale about excrement is no exception! LOL! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

    Reply

  10. Oh, dear Tony 😂😂😂 You just killed me. I imagined it all 🤭 beautiful writing

    Reply

  11. Any and all ‘poop stories’ make me giggle like a six year old 😁 This excellent tale about excrement is no exception! LOL! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

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    Comment By : brightstardancing – https://babybunnyknows.wordpress.com/

    * I’m posting this comment again. Not sure why my first comment doesn’t show my WordPress user name 🙄

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  14. I’ve stayed in those old hotels where there’s one bathroom per floor, so I had to accept that strangers would be using the same facilities as me.
    The only time I really minded was when some slob decided to leave me a little something behind for me to find.
    Sometimes I think people just aren’t fit for human society.

    Reply

  15. I don’t care where they’re from as long as they clean up after themselves. In my old work building, I clearly went to the 2nd or 1st floor whenever I had to poop, and I was on the 4th floor! 🤣😂😆

    Reply

      1. 🤣😂😆 No one needs to know my poop business! In our current building, I go all the way over to the other side of the building, meaning, I bypass both bathrooms on my side of the building and go over to the other side of the building whenever there’s a poop emergency. LOL!

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