When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

Unfortunately, I was one of those loser teenagers who deeply romanticized the notion of being a world-traveling alcoholic who was just good enough at prose to get away with being a mess in every other facet of life. Lo and behold, I’m now a world-traveling alcoholic who’s just good enough at prose to etcetera etcetera. So remember, kids: Reach for the moon, and you’ll end up with cirrhosis.

How do you find your inspiration?

I’ve just started climbing out of my most recent creative funk. Here’s what I recommend:

• Read: I don’t wanna do it, I don’t like doing it, and frankly I find the scent of books repulsive, but it helps every time.
• Watch TV: But not good TV. Get out there and watch some utter shit. Watch something so bad that you start to hear a little voice at the core of your soul shouting, “Damn, if this dipshit motherfucker could get paid for creating this hack pile of garbage, the least you could do is finish your draft.”
• Search Out Experiences: I feel like people usually say “travel,” but travel is classist. I’ve been broke, and any time someone suggested traveling to solve my problems, I had to stop myself from beating the shit out of them. You don’t have to jet-set or break the bank to go on a walk in a new part of town or hit up a friend to grab drinks and get into a little bit of trouble. Try something new and throw yourself out there in a way that suits your budget.
• Fuck Someone You Love: Can’t recommend this enough. Even if you don’t get inspired, you at least got to fuck someone you love. 10/10. Truly one of the best things to do in any situation.

What separates great writing from good writing?

I feel like I would’ve had a really emphatic answer for this when I was younger, but now I have no fucking clue. Everything is subjective, which is both beautiful and infuriating.

How did you get your start in writing?

One day, when I was in kindergarten, a woman put a pencil in my hand and forced me to learn the difference between capital and lowercase letters. I will never forgive that woman so long as I live.

If you could go back in time and give yourself advice, what would it be?

I would’ve started posting more regularly online way sooner. It sucks and I hate it, but your follower count matters, even as a writer. Book publishers wanna know you already have an audience. TV execs wanna know people already think you’re interesting. Fostering talent is a thing of the past (if it ever truly was a thing to begin with). So if I could go back in time, I would tell myself that building an audience is at least as important as being good at what you do.

What’s your favorite joke or observation that didn’t land?

If trains were people, they would be Nazis. This is an axiomatic fact, yet every time I bring it up, I lose the audience. But you know what? Sometimes the audience is wrong, and I refuse to let a bunch of philistines silence me from telling the truth.

What’s the funniest/most annoying quirk about human nature you’ve noticed lately?

There’s this silly thing about humans where, no matter how patient you are or how hard you try to explain it to them, they don’t seem to understand that if trains were people, they would be Nazis. I don’t mean to harp, but this is actually my biggest pet peeve.

What advice would you give to people who want to break into comedy writing?

I’d give them the same advice that was given to me but I ignored: Don’t do it! Aside from that, I guess I would suggest striving to be (and please pardon my “industry speak” here) a multi-hyphenate. A comedian/writer is more employable than just a writer. A writer/director has a wider reach than just a writer. It’s great if writing is your central passion, but very few agents, managers, or executives give two shits about passion. They’re trying to make money, and you’re better suited to do that for them if you can fill two roles rather than one. It’s something I still find myself being resistant to, but on my better days, I find it helps to think of being multi-hyphenated less as a distraction from your main goal and more as an opportunity to explore your passion from different angles.

What’s one book, show, or movie that you think everyone should read/watch?

You know what I can’t recommend enough? Shows I’ve written for. Please watch them. I need the residuals money to do things like pay rent and eat.

What are your writing habits?

My writing habits are bad. I’ve met people who wake up at 8 a.m. to work out and set intentions before going about writing their Morning Pages and diving into drafts so they can meet their personal deadlines. I think being that type of creative person must be pretty fucking cool. I, unfortunately, can’t seem to get my shit together well enough to live that kinda life.

So instead, I spend weeks moping around and feeling like a complete piece of shit who will never have another idea again so long as I live. I let myself be consumed by the thought that I and I alone am unworthy of love, grace, or forgiveness. I mire myself in petulant misery to the benefit of no one. Then, one night, right before I go to sleep, I get an idea and have to spend the next two to three weeks chasing it down nonstop (also to the benefit of no one). There’s probably a diagnosable term for all that, but I prefer just to call it my “process.”

Who’s making you laugh right now, and what makes their comedy click for you?

I’m halfway through a 9-hour DVD collection of the work of Victor Borge, The Clown Prince of Denmark. I dunno why, but his vaudevillian schtick is right up my alley at the moment.

Thank you so much Curtis! You’re the man!